I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
