That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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