Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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