Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
