i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
