so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
