Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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