when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
