ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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