I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
me + whiskey = a bad person
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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