I'm gonna have a badass scar
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
its liver damage thursday
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
