I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize