Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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