Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I think your dad took our porno
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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