chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
