my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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