she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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