My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
