I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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