Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You ruined the universe
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