Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize