You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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