Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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