I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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