Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
