Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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