My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You just made me feel so damn special
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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