hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
