I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
