you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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