Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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