He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
