I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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