Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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