Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
