my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize