I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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