you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
