just tell him i said nine months
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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