I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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