Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
