I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize