One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
