I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
