Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
