It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
