remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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