Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
