Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
