bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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