I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
