you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
