Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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