Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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