I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
