I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
