and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
