I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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