I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
