So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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