When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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