my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
