my phone needs a breathalizer
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My feet surprised me
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
