Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
