You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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